


My Communist

by FalliciousPuns



Series: Fiedler's Llamas [7]
Category: The Spy Who Came in from the Cold - John Le Carré
Genre: Comedy, M/M, My Immortal AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2018-12-10 19:03:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalliciousPuns/pseuds/FalliciousPuns
Summary: for a laugh,,





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

 

AN: Special  _ spasibo _ (get it, coz Im communit) 2 my comrade (ew not in that way) vespa, VesperNexus 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Leon ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! TROTSKY ROX!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Hi my name is Jens Fiedler and I have short dark curly hair (that’s not how I got my name) with lighter brown streaks that reaches my ears and dark brown eyes like black sugarless coffee and a lot of people tell me I look like Robert Lenz (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Leon Trotsky but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a German but I’m not addicted to beer. I have pale white skin. I’m also a communist, and I live in a part of Germany called East Berlin in Germany where I’m in the Abtielung (I’m twenty eight). I’m a communist (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly dark stuff. I love the waiting line for clothes distribution and I get all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing an old grey shirt with a matching blue double breasted jacket around it and a pair of dark trousers, black socks and black oxfords. Because of communism I couldn’t wear the sunscreen for my pale skin or chapstick because my lips crack. I was walking around the Berlin Wall. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of anarchist punks stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

 

“Hey Jens!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Alec Leamas!

 

“What’s up Alec?” I asked.

 

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

 

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


	2. Chapter 2

AN:  _ spasibo _ 2 VesperNexus 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop perestroiking ma story ok!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my tiny apartment and drank some water from a bottle I had. My bed was old because I didn’t want to wait for a new mattress and the sheets it was faded red with yellow on the ends because I believe in communism. I got out of my bed and took of my giant shirt that was falling apart because I’m poor which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on the same navy jacket, a hammer and sickle necklace, oxfords and black socks on, which is the same as I wore yesterday but it was the only other work clothes I owned (the other suit was in the wash). I put on earmuffs because it was cold, and brushed my kind of messy hair and put on a cap.

 

My friend, Henrich (AN: Vespr dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his bouncy jaw-length caramel hair with gold streaks and opened his grey-blue eyes. He put on his crumpled white shirt with brown trousers and tall leather boots. We ate breakfast (leftover potato and soup.)

 

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Alec Leamas yesterday!” he said excitedly.

 

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

 

“Do you like Leamas?” he asked as we went out of the tiny apartment and into the street.

 

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

 

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Alec walked up to me.

 

“Hi.” he said.

 

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

 

“Guess what.” he said.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“Well, Khrushchev is having a speech in Moscow.” he told me.

 

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love Nikita Khrushchev. He is my favourite Chairman of the Soviet Union, besides Lenin.

 

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

 

I gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY IM JUST ADDING THE NAMES INTO SPACES OK IM JUST SJKDFsdkfsdkjasnkdfjks


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP PERESTROKING DA STORY FITHY CAPITALISTS OK! odderwize spasibo 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! SPASIBO AGEN VERSPER! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da words 4 da secret speech.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

On the night of the speech I put on my only other set of formal clothes. It was my German state official’s uniform. Then I put on a pin with the hammer and sickle. I put on my matching party card that hung from a string around my neck. I brushed my hair and made it look all neat. I felt a little revolutionary then, so I tortured one of the GDR’s political prisoners. I read Das Kapital in German while I waited for him to stop bleeding and I listened to a record of an old German opera singer. I clipped my nails and put TONS of water in my hair because it was starting to get messy again. Then I put on some black socks. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some herbal tea so I was ready to go to the speech.

 

I went to the airport. Alec was waiting there in front of the airplane. He was wearing a light grey three piece suit and a burgundy tie (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

 

“Hi Alec!” I said in a revolutionary voice.

 

“Hi Jens.” he said back. We walked into the plane (the registration numer said CRCU3) and flew to the place with the speech. On the way we listened excitedly to old speeches by Churchill and Lenin. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the plane and into a taxi that took us to the Party Congress. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the room and gasped and down as we listened to Khrushchev’s secret speech.

 

“ Stalin acted not through persuasion, explanation, and patient cooperation with people, but by imposing his concepts and demanding absolute submission to his opinion. Whoever opposed this concept or tried to prove his viewpoint, and the correctness of his position, was doomed to removal from the leading collective and to subsequent moral and physical annihilation .” said Khrushchev (I don’t own da words 2 dat speech).

 

“Nikita is so fucking hot.” I said to Alec, pointing to him as he spoke, filling the congress with his amazing voice.

 

Suddenly Alec looked sad.

 

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we listened to the speech. Then I caught on.

 

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

 

“Really?” asked Alec sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

 

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Nikita and he let Nikolai fucking Bulganin stay in the Party. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of his ugly moustached face.

 

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Alec. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Khrushchev and Molotov for their autographs and photos with them. We got memorial party stamps on my Party Card (Alec wasn’t in the party… yet). Alec and I crawled back into the taxi and got to the airport, but we didn’t go back to Germany, instead we took a flight into……………………… Czechoslovakia!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> his secret speech was in 1956 but this story is in 1962 just idk maybe khrushchev goes on tour or something


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok Jens’ name is JENS nut mary su OK! ALEC IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

“ALEC!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

 

Alec didn’t answer but we got out of the taxi that was taking us into Prague and he walked into an alleyway. I walked out of it too, curiously.

 

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

 

“Jens?” he asked.

 

“What?” I snapped.

 

Alec leaned in extra-close and I looked into his dark eyes which revealed so much revolutionary potential and love and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

 

And then…………… suddenly just as I Alec kissed me passionately. Alec climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my jacket and I took of his clothes. I even took of my shirt. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

 

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

 

It was…………………………………………………….Jim Prideaux!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGBFGBDHGH CAUSE PRIDEAUX SPEAKS CZECH


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a captralist! Da only reson Prideaux swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Prideaux made and Alec and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

 

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

 

I started to cry tears of salt down my pallid face. Alec comforted me. When we went to England and Prideaux took us to Control and George Smiley who were both looking very angry.

 

“Alec was having sexual intercourse behind the Iron Curtain with a member of the Abtielung!” he yelled in a furious voice.

 

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked George Smiley.

 

“How dare you?” demanded Control.

 

And then Alec shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

 

Everyone was quiet. Prideaux and Control still looked mad but Smiley said. “Fine. Very well. You may go back to the GDR.”

 

Alec and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

 

“Are you okay, Jens?” Alec asked me gently.

 

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my tiny apartment and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a long pale nightgown that came down to my ankles and had baggy sleeves with lace cuffs. When I came out….

 

Alec was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to recite the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx. I was so flattered, because he wasn’t a communist. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his own apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you know I'm doing this for the fandom diversity right  
> this can't be 2737274834 angst fics ok


	6. Chapter 6

AN: shjt up capitalistz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood comnets!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXCOMMUNISMXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

The next day I woke up in my bed. I put on my only clean shirt that a little ripped above the cuffs but with a navy jacket which covered up how poor I was and then my dark oxfords. I put on hammer and sickle cufflinks, and checked myself in the mirror. I brushed my hair with my mother’s old wooden comb, which had several teeth missing.

 

In the Department canteen, I ate some old potato that had been yesterday’s lunch, as well as a glass of cloudy water. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the water spilled over my jacket.  My only jacket.

 

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the fair, boyish face of a tall man with curly chestnut hair with lighter streaks of gold and grey where age and sun had coloured it. He had a well shaped nose and cheeks, angular enough to belong to a man’s but soft enough to give him an air of young romance. He didn’t have any glasses and his face had no blemishes to speak of. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.  Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like getting aroused as a woman only I’m a boy so I didn’t get one you sicko.

 

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a confident voice.

 

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

 

“My name’s Bill Haydon, although most people call me Commie Fuck these days.” he grumbled.

 

“Why?” I exclaimed.

 

“Because I may be in the process of defecting from the Circus, but don’t say anything- they think I’m here to recruit an agent.” he giggled.

 

“Well, I am a communist.” I confessed.

 

“Really?” he asked sarcastically.

 

“Yeah, you get a lot of those in East Germany.” I replied in kind.

 

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Alec came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.  I didn’t see if he and Haydon knew each other.


	7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god comnets. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO PERESTROIKIN OR ILL REPORT U! Jans isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect HES A COMMUNISt! n he has problemz hes a revolutionary 4 godz sake!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXREDXXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Alec and I held pale white hands as we went upstairs. I was wearing my dark blue double breasted jacket and long slim trousers that I knew Alec loved to see me in (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Bill. Hungry jealousy was in his cloudy eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Alec. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Alec. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

 

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my jacket. Then I took off my shirt and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

 

“Oh Alec, Alec!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw marks I had never seen before on Alec’s arm. It was a dark purple bruise. I could see more of them, along with fingernail shaped grooves in the skin.  Had he been……………… doing it with someone else?

 

“Bill-” Alec whispered, not really thinking.  His eyes opened as he realized he hadn’t spoken my name.  

 

I was so angry.

 

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, slapping his face and, jumping out of the bed.

 

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Alec pleaded. But I knew too much.

 

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably fuck all the communists!”

 

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Alec ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I got to Bill’s briefing session, where he was having a discussion with Mundt and some other people.

 

“BILL GODDAMN HAYDON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

 

AN: stop prerrretrignk ok! if u do den u r a kulak!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXHAMMERXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXSICKLEXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Everyone in the Department debrief room (the Abteilung building is only a few minutes from my tiny apartment) stared at me and then Alec came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

 

“Jens, it’s not what you think!” Alec screamed sadly.

 

Mundt glared at us for interrupting his debrief. He brushed his straight blond hair from his icy blue bottomless eyes. He had pale white skin and was wearing his military uniform adjusted the same way he used to wear his brownshirt uniform.  I’d seen his old pictures when I went over his files.

 

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Mundt hissed angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

 

“Bill, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Alec!” I shouted at him.

 

Everyone gasped.

 

I don’t know why Jens is so mad at me, Alec thought, I had went out with Bill (I’m bi and Jens is gay) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Ann, Smiley’s hot wife. We were just good frienemies now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was communist. (Haha, like I would hang out with a complete capitalist like Control.)

 

“But I’m not going out with Alec anymore!” said Bill.

 

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the public park where I Alec and I had kissed once at midnight and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Thou must kill Bill Haydon

AN: stop perestroikin ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if Smiley swers! besuizds I SED PRIDO HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson Mund t dosent lik Bill now is coz hes british but bill says hes a commie! TROTSKY ROX!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXCOMMIEXXXXXXXXXXX

 

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Alec for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where kissed with Alec.

 

Then all of a suddenly, an old grandfatherly man walked up to me from where he’d been feeding the ducks! He had heavy glasses (maybe they were fake) and he was wearing a long trench coat over a fancy tailored tweed suit, so obriously he wasn’t a communist-. It was…… Control!

 

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Control shouted “Wait!  I have valuable information!” and I couldn’t run away because all of a sudden I needed to know what he could tell me.

 

“Workers of the world unite!” I shouted at him. Control almost tripped in his surprise and confusion at my sudden reference, nearly stumbling into the duck pond. I felt bad for him even though I’m a communist so I grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

 

“Jens.” he yelled. “Thou must kill William Haydon!”

 

I thought about Bill and his sexah eyes and his lovely curly hair and how his face looks just like a spy from a novel. I remembered that Alec had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Alec went out with Bill before I went out with him and they broke up and somehow the bruises were just still there for some reason?  I mean I hadn’t said Alec couldn’t do it with anyone else and our relationship was kind of casual so…. 

 

“No, Control!” I shouted back.

 

Control gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

 

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Alec!”

 

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

 

Control got a dude-ur-so-stupid look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered sarcastically. “And if you doth not kill Bill, then thou know what will happen to Alec!” he shouted. Then he stalked away angrily, his trench coat flapping in the growing wind.

 

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Alec came into the woods.

 

“Alec!” I said. “Hi!”

 

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing clothes now- a plain shirt, khaki trousers and dark red suspenders.  His sleeves were rolled up.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

 

“No.” he answered.

 

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

 

“That’s okay.” he said all mysterious and we went back into the Abtielung building together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

 

AN: stup it u lame capitalists if u donot lik ma story den frikk off! ps btw mundt is a nazi!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXCOMINTERN1962XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

I was really scared about Cnotrol all day. I was even upset went to interrogate a few prisoners because that’s my job. The other people who work with me are Alec, Henrich, Mundt, and now Haydon.  Actually I have to interrogate Alec (he’s a professional defector) but that’s actually fun and doesn’t usually get bloody.  Mundt is the deputy head of the Abtielung so he helps run agents and track down the ones in East Germany, especially in East Berlin.  He’s so good at his job it’s like he already knows who the imperialist agents are.  Henrich works down in the archives cause he doesn’t like talking.  I have to give all of my reports to him.  Haydon just started working in recruitment.  He’s really good at blackmailing people into the service because he can get into bed with almost anyone.  My job is the most fun though.  It’s a combination of torture, blackmail and seduction.  I use all sorts of knives and show the subject pictures of their families and sometimes I even tease a kiss for them to get them to tell me everything.  You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

 

I’d almost accidentally killed one of the subjects, which would have made my life a mess.  I burst into tears.

 

“Jens! Are you OK?” Henrich asked in a concerted voice, coming in from a side door.

 

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Control came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Bill! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Alec. But if I don’t kill Bill, then Control, will fucking kill Alec!” I burst into tears.

 

Suddenly Alec shoved his way into the room.

 

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking lying leech to a fifth-rate dictatorship!” (c is dat out of character?)

 

I started to cry and cry. Alec started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

 

I interrogated someone else for about an hour, then decided they weren’t useful, so I punctured their lung and let them drown in their own blood. Then suddenly Mundt walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

 

“What have you done!” He started to scream.  “Jens Alec has been found in his room. He’s run away from the GDR!”


	11. Masticating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peters was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Ashe was masticating to it!

Chapter 11.

 

AN: i sed stup perestroikng up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw spacibbb 2 ma frend herny 4 hleping me!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! Henrich tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Mundt chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

 

Anyway, I started crying commujntist tears of a revolution gone wrong. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on an old german opera song at full volume. I grabbed a the glass that you put the toothbrush in and almost threw it at the wall. I was so fucking furious! I got out of the bathtub and got out the same shirt because im poor like all good communists. I set out black shoes and brushed my hair about six times before I decided to get dressed. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Peters was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Ashe was masticating to it! They were sitting in their car.

 

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a dirty towel. Suddenly Haydon ran in.

 

“I’ll report you to Hans-Dieter!” he yelled at Peters and Ashe pointing to the Abteilung building. I took my gun and shot at Peters a gazillion times (but I only hit him once) and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Mundt ran in. “Jens, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Peters and Ashe and then he waved his hand in frustration and suddenly…

 

Jim Prideaux pulled up in his car and said everyone we need to talk.

 

“What do you know, Jim? You’re just a little Circus freak!”  Bill seemed offended taht Jim was there.

 

“I MAY BE A MEMBER OF THE CIRCUS….” Jim paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A COMMUNIST!”

 

“This cannot be.” Peters said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where I shot him. “There must be other factors.”

 

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

 

Ashe held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

 

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough water.

 

“Why are you doing this?” Ashe said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his incognito clothes.

 

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to torture him or shoot him because I felt faint.

 

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Jim said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of the soviet national anthem.

 

“Because you’re a commie?” Mundt asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was too connected with Marx.

 

“Because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. ..........Control has him in bondage!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2018

AN: stop presokin ok jim is gay in the book an da movi e so i wnsted to arderesss yhat! 

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXREDXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

I was about to give up on the revolution. Without Alec to argue with, I think I'd lost my Marxist spark. I tried to recite a speech my Lenin, but I just couldn’t do it.  Maybe… maybe I should just rub away from the GDR...

 

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS MINDYT but it was Haydon. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! YOU CAN’T ABANDON THE REVOLUTION!” and then…..he grabbed my arm!

 

I stopped. “How did u know?”

 

“I saw it in your eyes!” I haven’t been able to sleep because I was thinking about how you might defect like Alec!”

 

“NO!” I ran up closer. “You need to sleep so that you can be a productive agent of the revolution!” I shouted.

 

“I do but I’ve been getting calls from my old contacts in the imperialist countries, particularly Britain…………….Jens, Control has Alec in bondage!”

 

Anyway I was in the Mundtts office now recovering from my ideological weakness.  He was testing my communist loyalty through a mock interrogation.  Ashe and Peters were there too. They were going to be interrogated for real after me for taking photos of me. Mundt had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them, condemning them as filthy imperialist agents.

 

Anyway Haydon came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

 

“Jens I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the flowers.

 

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, it’s not revolutionary red enough and I don’t like fucked up capitalists like you.  I want my Alec back.” I snapped. Haydon had made me angry by not telling me earlier that Alec was imprisoned by Control.

 

“No Jens.” Haydon says. “Those are not just roses.”

 

“What, are they little revolutionaries too, you perestroiking imperia-?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

 

“I saved your revolutionary spirit!” He yelled angrily.

 

“No you didn’t” I replied.

 

“You didn’t even save me from getting pictures of my body distributed to all tye member states of NATO!” I said, remembering Ashe and Peters who had MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to me getting dressed.

 

“Whatever!” he yelled angirly.  “These aren’t roses,” He suddenly looked at them with an sneaky look in his eye and muttered they’re an encoded message.

 

“Don’t be an idiot.” I corrected him wisely.

 

“They were on my porch this morning with a note that said…………. from the Circus!” Then he screamed. “Proletarier aller Länder vereinigt Euch!(4 all u cool commoonism fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for vespa I love you comradd!)”

 

And then I saw the note in between the thorns.  Now I knew he wasn’t a lying kulak.

 

“OK I believe you now wtf is Alec?”

 

Mundt rolled his eyes. I looked into the eyes that looked like balls of clear blue pool water but I could c nothing.

 

“The note’s in code jenz,” Mundt said.  “I already sent a copy to the deciphering team so-”

 

“HOW DARE YOU BETRAY THE DEPARTMENT!” I shrieked. MUnty lookd shockd. “YOUVE JUST SHARED LEAMAS’ DEFECTION WITH THE ENTIRE SERVICE!”

 

Mundt stormed off back into his office. “Do u even care about ALex??” He yelled.

 

Anyway when I got better I went to my office and changed into the spare clothes I kept there: a navy blue jacket with a clean white shirt and dark trousers.  I brushed, parted and slicked back my hair so it looked all nice and formal (if you say i looked like hilter then fuk off i hate that fukkhole!) and I put on my blood-red military badges. I was going to a meeting.

 

“You look attractive, comrade.” Henrich said pleasantly as I left the office. “Danke (geddit) you do too.” He was wearing formal attire too. We hummed the GDR national anthem as we walked to the meeting room. I went to some meetings. Mundt was down on the intrtrognagtion level. He was bleeding out some blood from a hungarian “refugee”.

 

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way as I passed by. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually deadenned way.

 

We both looked at each other for some time. Mundt’s icy blue eyes were just as penetrative as Alec’s. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

 

“I’LL TALK! I’LL TALK!” screamed the Hungarian counterrevolutionary who was watching us, “I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU TO STOP!”

 

“Hans-Dieter Mundt you fucker!” I said slapping him and noticing the hugnarian. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Leamas!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

 

Just then he started to scream. “JENS! GET BACK HERE! I CARE MORE FOR YOU THAN THAT ALEX TRAITOR!” and then….. the telephone in the corner rang!  Mindy’s eyes widened so you could only see his blue whites.

 

“What is it!” I ran up closer.

 

“It’s……the crickus.” he said back. “I’ve just had a phone call from Moscow Station about Alec……………. Control has him in bondage!”

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXBREZHNEVXXXXXXXXXXX

 

SPECIAL SPACIBO 2 VESPRR MY COMMIE BUDDY WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

 

HEY VESPN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooooo we'ce reached the end of part 1! And by that I mean that's all I copy-pasted........................so far :>>>

**Author's Note:**

> WRITING THIS WAS THERAPEUTIC ALRIGHT  
> I LAUGHEd MYSELF SILLY *OUT LOUD* MY IMMORTAL IS A COMIc GEM IM UNIRONICALLY SO GRATEFUL


End file.
